In the vast sea of contemporary communication pitfalls, the habit of emotional listening is perhaps the most damaging. Last night when Donald J. Trump was nominated for the presidency of the United States, I tweeted a few simple words. Here they are… WAIT…. first please let me ask you to just read the words. Try to resist the impulse to read anything into the words. Just read the words.
I was not really all that surprised by some of the responses. Some felt the words were praise for Trump. They were not happy that I did not say it was a “horrible” event or an “embarrassing” event or a “disgusting” event, and because I did not use those words I was presumably campaigning for Trump. Others saw the words as an attack on Trump. How could I call such an “inspiring” and “thrilling” moment astonishing? And why couldn’t I get on the Trump train?
In just a few days, for the first time in history a woman will be nominated for the presidency. Do you know what I will tweet?
“Irrespective of what one thinks of Hillary R. Clinton, this is an historic moment.”
And do you know what will happen? Some will be angry because I called her nomination historic and some will be angry because I didn’t crown her queen of the universe. I expect it. I know it will happen. The reason is not because my tweets (BTW, I hate that word) are so hard to understand. It’s because we have become a nation of emotional listeners. We have little patience with clear announcements of fact or historical observations. We want words either dipped in acid or drenched in syrup. “What do you mean by that?” has become a rejoinder to virtually any statement. We want to read into simple, clear words some hidden meaning, some veiled threat or accusation and we listen with our nerves on edge.
I was the president of a university when Barrack Obama was elected president of the United States. In chapel after the election I said, “This historic election has seen the first African American elected president of the United States. This is an historic moment and we should pray for the new President.”
I had students who were unhappy and “disappointed because I endorsed Obama.” I likewise had students who came to my office to complain that I did not put enough emphasis on the historic struggle of African Americans and who was I to “announce the end of the that struggle?”
All I said, ALL I SAID was that it was an historic moment. The election of an African American to the presidency of the United States! You think that might just be historic? The problem is, that simple statement was heard emotionally. Some heard it as an endorsement. Others read into it a dismissive attitude toward to America’s historic racial issues. It was neither. It was simply a pretty obvious contemporary observation. I’m not whining. I’m just using these as examples to make a point.
It happens in marriages. It happens in offices. It happens in churches. It happens because we have become emotional listeners. We take offense where none is meant. We are certain of hidden agendas where none exist. And we fight back where no fight is offered.
The greatest listener of all time was Jesus. He heard people. Really heard them. He did not get His back up, take offense, get defensive or jump to conclusions.
The woman at the well said, “Why are you, a Jew, asking me, a Samaritan, for water?”
Jesus did not launch into defensive explanation for why the Jewish people felt as they did about Samaritans and why it was, after all, justified. He said, “If you knew who I was you would ask me for living water.” And in so doing opened up the door for a life-changing, theology-changing, Bible-changing conversation.
Here are five thoughts on listening.
1) Listen for understanding. Try to understand what the other person is saying. Instead of picking their words apart try to just hear what they are saying.
2) Do not be easily offended. That is a sign of lack of love.
3) Let things go by. Do not seize on words. The epitaph on the headstone of more than one marriage is a single word. “Gotcha.” Grace instead of gotcha works miracles in relationships
4) You don’t have to have an opinion on everything others say. I’m always amazed at people who feel that no matter who says something, no matter what the context and regardless of how little they know the person, that they feel they must comment. Sometimes I hear people say, I just have to say something about that.
Really? Are you sure? Maybe not. Maybe you just need to do as the Virgin Mary and ponder these things in your heart. Here’s a great rule. Ponder more. React less.
5) Finally, if you find yourself in a communication mine field and you absolutely must enter in, go slowly. Go gently. Feel your way in. Ask some questions. A bull in a china shop is a loud, messy irritant. An angry, hot headed, easily offended bull in a mine field is self-destruction waiting for one more step.
Anyway, Donald Trump’s nomination is astonishing. Whether you voted for him in a primary or will in the general election, consider the improbability of his rise to this moment. In my life time I have never seen anything like it. It doesn’t mean you have to vote for hm but he must be seen in the light of history. Likewise when Hillary Clinton is nominated that will be an historical moment that should be recognized. You do not have to vote for her to see the history of it for what it is. There. Those two statements should be just about enough to crank up some on both sides.